Michaela’s Story

Michaela (she/her)

Growing up, I’ve always been surrounded by a family that frowns upon same sex marriage. My cousins often would chat about their gay friends at the shabbat dinner table which never led to a good conversation. I never really cared before, but once fifth grade hit, I began to take in their remarks. 

I never really had such a big interest in boys throughout elementary school. Me and my friends would sit around commenting on all the boys that go to our school. They would notice their shoes, or hair, or even their smiles. They would play games or even rate them. I never looked at boys the way they did. Summer ending fifth grade and going into sixth grade I was an active user on Musical.ly. (bring back musical.ly!!!) Anyways, I remember scrolling through my feed and coming across this one video of a girl. She was just lip syncing to a song, nothing more. I remember thinking to myself that this girl is really pretty and I wish I looked like her. As a girl, we often look up to other girls and aspire to be like them. But this was completely different. I knew I was drawn to her in a different way, but I just kept scrolling. 

In the sixth grade, I had this same feeling towards one of my good friends. I thought that I just wanted to be like her and be super close with her. But I was wrong. I was also drawn to her in a different way. The same way I was drawn to the girl I saw on Musical.ly. I choked up every time I was around my friend and I knew I liked her. I didn't know what to do or who to tell. I couldn't tell anyone that I liked A GIRL. I would think to myself that If I ever told anyone and my family found out, they would hate me. 

In seventh grade, I caught feelings for another girl. I watched her play sports and do her work. Every little thing she did drew me in. 

I never knew what to make or do with these situations, so I just put on a mask and pretended not to feel what I was feeling. In eighth grade, I started talking to a bunch of guys to show myself that I do like guys and I’m just confusing myself. I thought that If I surround myself with a bunch of guys, that would change me. I was completely wrong. When quarantine hit, that really gave me time to focus on myself and think. I remember the first person I told was my friend, E. I was on the phone with her and we were talking about a boy she liked. We were talking about the girl that he likes and she said something along the lines of “I swear he thinks every girl is attractive.” Me, completely not thinking, said “HAH relatable”. She then paused and I said “well... at least you know now”. We both started laughing at that for the rest of the night. I don't remember the second person I came out to, but I just slowly announced it to all my friends. Whether it be through a Tiktok, a Snapchat, or reposting something on Instagram… all my friends eventually knew. All of them accepting me with open arms and not letting it affect our friendships. 

Parents on the other hand. Haha yeah… about that. Let me start off with my mom. 

In June, I went to my friend's surprise birthday party. While I was there, a girl caught my eye. I was with a guy at the time, so I just brushed it off, not realizing that it would only hurt me later. That night, we all went on a walk, and I remember on the way down me and E were talking about her. E told me she doesn’t think this girl is straight and I told her to tell her she is always welcome to talk to me. E told me not to pull any funny games with her because she thinks it's a bad idea. Sorry E.  The day after my friend's party, we all went to the mall. The girl who caught my eye was there. We ended up having a really fun time and connecting more. After these two days, I eventually forgot about it and went on with the guy I was with. A few weeks later, he ended up cheating on me so I cut all ties with him. I then talked to the girl on Snapchat and we started talking. At first, I told myself that she isn't even out so why bother. But deep down I didn't really care…I wanted to see where this would go. Fast forward, we ended up talking for a few months and we were both on the same page. After hanging out a few times, I asked her to be my girlfriend (In October lol #GIR). I ended up finding out my grandfather was really sick. Me and my mom decided it was best to pack up our things and move to Wisconsin to take care of him. She came over a few days before I left, so I could see her. My mom only knew her as a friend so she was fine with her coming over. We were in my room making a Tik Tok when I kissed her and at the exact moment my mom walked in. Her first words were “Is this a joke?” After this, most of the rest was blue. I remember a few hours later, my girlfriend went home. After I walked her out, I sat next to my mom and completely broke down. I came out to her as Bi. Of course, this was not how I wanted to do this, nor was I ready. We both kind of moved past it and I believe she would rather forget about it. Till this day, neither one of us have spoken up about it. 

As for my dad, 

I've never had a good relationship with my dad. It used to be good, until he got a girlfriend and I was pushed out of the picture. I stopped seeing him when I was in sixth grade and started seeing him a bit in ninth grade. I tried to build a relationship with him and have a dad figure in my life. After a year of arguing with his girlfriend and fighting to three years of not seeing either of them, I let down my walls. I started seeing him slowly and then let his girlfriend back in. I only saw them once a month which was more than enough for me, but then we decided to take a trip to Big Bear,CA. While we were there, we were all having a conversation on the couch. One thing led to another, and all of the sudden it was 2 am. I ended up sharing my story with my girlfriend and at the end I said “I’m Bi by the way lol” At this point, I already came out to so many people to the point where I wasn't looking to be accepted or not. I was telling them so they knew what to expect. My dad just said “I'd rather you date girls anyways” and his girlfriend didn't take in what I said. I dont really think any of this stuck with them because just a few months later, I was standing in the kitchen with his girlfriend and she said “You know your dad thinks you’re gay right?” I turned around and I said “Lol who told him?”. Yes yes, obviously I told him in Big Bear, but he didn’t remember. Either he remembered or he saw the picture of me kissing a girl in my room. Whichever it was, him knowing made me feel more connected to him. Even though I cut all ties off with him for good again, It feels good knowing I told him. 

Coming out is a process- Take your time. It really shows you who is there for you and who isn’t. It shows you who your real friends are and who aren't. As much as I recommend coming out to friends, take your time with telling your parents.

Michaela(she/her)