Samuel’s Story

I'm transgender. I'm proud to be trans, my name is Samuel, I go by he/him pronouns and I'm 15 years old. But let's go back to where it all started. I was born June 5, 2007. I had a pretty good childhood but there where some rough parts. I wasn't a girly girl like the other girls in my grade. As I got older I didn't like pink, I didn't like purple, I didn't like skirts, I didn't like dresses, etc. Now we jump forward a bit. In December 2020, I was diagnosed with Tourette's/ a tic disorder. It was really hard hearing the words "You have Tourette's syndrome". I knew my life would change from then on. But then the end of December came around and I started questioning my gender along with my sexuality. It wasn't fun struggling with gender identity and sexuality. I then discovered what top dysphoria was. I knew in that moment that I wasn't a girl. Then I started experiencing depression. On May 24, 2021, I came out as a transgender male. But only from that point on my depression and anxiety got worse. I started an IOP therapy program in September after I TW started to figure out what self harm was. Then, in November, I was sent to the hospital for suicidal ideation. I spent 13 days there, I left, but then after 5 days I immediately went back to the psych ward for 15 days. Then I went to something called Residential. It's like a recovery house for anxiety, depression, addiction, self harm, and more. By now I've been out as trans for about 6 months, and at this point, my dysphoria was pretty much crippling. I wanted top surgery so bad and to start Testosterone so bad, but I had to wait patiently for those days to come. After 7 weeks in residential, I went to a program called PHP and started focusing on my gender dysphoria, depression, anxiety and trauma. Then I stepped down to IOP. After I graduated IOP I was pretty happy! I had finally started testosterone during my time in PHP and IOP. I met a new friend in residential and we were pretty much inseparable. TW But then flash forward a month later, I start to feel suicidal again. I had a suicide attempt while I was on a small getaway to San Diego. It's July 2022 now when I got sent back to the psych ward. I'm having psychogenic non epileptic seizures everyday, severe anxiety/depression, and on top of all that, drama with the one person who was my best friend. I spent 8 days in the hospital and now, it's August. I just started IOP for the 3rd time and hopefully last. The moral of the story is that it's not a bad life, it's just a bad day. I have so many things to look forward to! Like I want to be a nurse, I have pets, I start school next week, and so much more. You have something to live for too. So don't give up, trust me it's not worth it. You got this!