Will’s Story

TW: Self Harm

Ever since I was a little kid I knew I wasn't a girl. It was really obvious to me, I never saw myself as one even though I said I was because I just thought that was how it was meant to be. I was a tomboy, always had my hair short and threw a fit if I had to do anything I perceived as girly- I'd kick and scream. I was raised christian and at night id pray and beg God to let me wake up as a boy so I can be happy and i'd always end up crying because it never worked and I needed it to. When my mom forced me to wear dresses id cry for hours. I always pretended to be a boy since people often mistook me for one until around 6th grade. 

In elementary, 3rd grade to be exact, I was already thinking about my sexuality. It being 2015 of course I was seeing stuff online. I thought I was a lesbian because I felt masculine and thats what I thought it was about. I kept it to myself, watching gay youtubers and wishing I could be them. 

One day I discovered youtube videos about peoples transitions and that changed everything for me. I sat in my room for hours watching videos on how they changed, voice updates, how much happier they are and it hurt. My grandpa caught me once, he didn't see the screen but he said I looked like I was longing for something and made a joke about me having a boyfriend and me staring at his picture.

I told my mom I watched those videos and cried, telling her I wanted to be them and then after that we forgot it ever happened.

6th grade was one of the hardest times for me. I was the most dysphoric ive ever been, I was being bullied, and I had a lot of toxic friendships. The dysphoria was the hardest bit, but I couldn't ever fully accept I was a guy. I still told people I was whils online, even telling some I was trans for some reason but I was still "pretending" in my mind because it was all online. I had been doing that for years so it was just normal to me, id been online since forever. Telling others I was a guy as a lie was just so natural, I remember the first time being when I was 7.

Summer after 6th grade was honestly one of the hardest times for me, I was severely unmedicated and depressed. My parents fight was unending, I was selfharming, I was so angry all the time. I hated my body, and I felt alone. That was when I met people online who made me smile, I dropped the bad people in my life and got closer to the good ones. I told the ones online I was a guy like normal but this time it felt different. I told my real life friends too and it felt really weird and free. I was a boy to everyone I hold close to me and it was one of the best feelings ive ever had.

Around only a few months later in 7th grade I had my first manic episode. One day I woke up, and I felt the most fine ive ever felt. My dysphoria was gone and my thoughts were so fast so maybe I am cis? My thoughts were that way. Especially since I had a crush on a straight boy and it was just all so confusing and overwhelming. I ended up detransitioning (i was only out socially to friends) and dating him and then January rolled around and the manic episode was over. I was depressed again, it was around the time quarantine began I believe and me and my boyfriend had a nasty breakup because of my depressive episode and me being a bad partner and I was struggling again. 

In June of that year I came out as trans again. That was the last time and 2020 was the most freeing year for me. I wasnt at school, I was able to be at home and be myself whenever. Still hiding it from my mom and pretending to be a girl other times was hard but I was doing better. I did detransition like before a few times after but that only lasted a few hours and it sucked everytime.

I told my mom and dad but they still dont call me my preferred name and pronouns. It hurts, and I know they probably dont accept me just wont say it to my face, but I have a lot of friends and other adults who do and that is enough for now. I have been self harm free for 5 years and while I still struggle with my bipolar and my dysphoria but I do my best.

I think I was the first trans person a lot of my friends had ever met. I helped them come out and discover themselves too and being that person that I never had for them has felt really nice. 

As someone who lives in Alabama it can be really hard and scary, I hear a lot of transphobic and homophobic language and it just seems so normal and natural for them. I really hope that can change one day, it hurts knowing im literally banned in so many places because of my gender and how people view me just because I want to be myself.