Alex’s Story

My name is Alex, and for as long as i can remember, ive felt different than everyone else. Im afab, but ive always been so much of a tomboy. I hated talking about the things girls in my class talked about (boys, clothes, etc). I love playing wall-ball or tether-ball with the boys at recess.
     It wasn’t so much of a problem until i hit middle school. The cis guys i used to easily beat in races before got bigger and stronger and faster, and I stayed the same. Id seen lots of trans women, drag queens, and other lgbt people in the media, but never any trans men. And although trans women are often misrepresented, it wasn’t until the later seasons of ‘Shameless’ (u.s. tv show) that i saw my first trans guy in the media. And let me tell you it came as a shock. I new about trans people, but for some reason, until about high school, i didn’t know anything about the community or that you could even be trans as an afab person. I dont know why I didnt piece it together. Once i found out aboit trans guys and i was pretty sure i wanted to be one, i reached out to my mom. She’s a big democrat, has plenty of lgbt+ friends, and she always told me it didnt matter what i identified as, she would love me either way. When i was 15, i came out to her as a lesbian, and honestly she was thrilled. She bought me a lesbian flag pillow case, she even bought a rainbow flag for our flag pole out front, I couldnt have asked for a better response from her. I know it made a my dad a little uncomfortable, he grew up in the 50s, military man, dont ask dont tell, etc. But he tried to be there for me and love me as best as he could. The rest of my family was extremely supportive, most of them already new i was gay long before i did.
     At 16, i was getting ready to come out as a trans man. I Had been experimenting with different pronouns and names on the internet and it just felt so right. I assumed my family would be supportive, but i was hesitant to come out because I knew the amount of work, pain and stress me and those closest to me would have to endure.
     Before i even got the chance to come out I was sent away to something called the ‘troubled teen industry’. The most wildly know  case of this was Parks Hilton getting sent by Dr. Phill to ‘Turn about ranch’. Basically, these places are abusive, unregulated, and i got the new diagnosis of CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) from my time away at these places. I went to about 9 treatment centers over the course of 3 years, and honestly it was the worst experience of my life. At the time i was going by she/her pronouns and I identified as a lesbian. Any talk aboit sexuality, pronouns, or gender identity was strictly prohibited. On their website, my treatment center says it accepts all kinds kf people, gay, straight, nonbinary, trans, etc. But then on the rest of the website they constantly refer to the patients as “girls”… so much for inclusivity.
    I finally new for sure that I was trans when i was about 17. At that time, i had seen eough trans guys in the media and online that i fekt confident it was something I could do. I just didn’t want to feel like such an outcast anymore. And even after transitioning, I still feel different, and ive accepted that I may always feel that way, bit I least I can live my truth and have a chance at happiness.
      Technically, my treatment center was regulated by the state, and nothing against any kind of religions, but a majority of the owners, staff and therapists at my treatment center were of the Mormon faith, and so ny default, they ran my school with Mormon values & ideation. In that environment, coming out as trans could mean severe punishments. They would say i was “influencing the other impressionable girls” or that “talking about my sexuality was not setting appropriate boundaries.” I fully understand not talking about my sex life, but this was who i am, nothing to do with my sexual orientation and by saying im trans, im not implying any kind of inappropriate comment, im simply identifying myself.
     This environment made it impossible for me to come out. I even asked a trusted friend to try out some different pronouns or names with me and we were both punished severely, I was forced to miss dinner that night. Shortly after this they banned nicknames for everyone, saying it excluded others and it would be like that in “the real world”. The surprising thing is, the real world doesn’t care what i do. I go by Alex at work, online and in college. I have not legally changed my name yet, but right now, its really not the issue everyone told me it would be.
       The most shocking part about coming out was my mom’s reaction. I was 18, and finally free of treatment and the troubled teen industry. I set up a facetime call with my mom, i was terrified to tell my dad but I thoughtbmy mom would be supportive. She wasn’t. She told me “you’re lying” “youll never look like a real boy” and “you’re killing my daughter”.  As much as i tried to explain to her that i was tye same exact person I just felt more comfortable in my own skin if i could express myself as a man in society. What my dad said when i tokd him was “be whoever you want to be, as long as you’re a good person.”
       Its been a battle with my family and I do life Texas so ive alot of transphobia from peopls I dont even know or on the internet, but I wouldnt take it back, not even if you gave me $1,000,000. Coming out is he hardest thing you’ll most likely have tk do if you’re lgbt+, but living my truth is the thing that saved my life, and even if everyone doesn’t me all the time. i have friends that do and thats all that matters
-Alex